Oh My Greys! I just turned 38!
And by greys, I mean wisdom highlights 🙂
For most of us, we tend to do some introspection at least twice a year – our birthday and at the end of a calendar year. Somehow, these days have come to be associated with some kind of new beginning/chapter. For me, it’s usually the latter…. so what’s so significant about me turning 38… I mean, afterall, it’s not forty!
Everyone will have one or several defining moments in his or her life. It’s a moment (or period of time) when everything changes drastically or otherwise. A moment when the best laid plans either come together nicely or shatter to pieces. In recent years, I’ve experienced tons of the latter but I’ve also had some truly beautiful experiences that I could not have scripted any better for myself.
So here are a couple things I sorta picked up along the way 🙂
Love, beautiful, sometimes downright complicated love….
Everyone should have an opportunity to fall in love at least once. Pure, unadulterated, genuine love. It’s the kind of love that makes your heart smile and your soul sings. You know the one? He/She pops into your mind and your toes curl:) The kind of love that when you look at him/her in the mornings sleepy haze you think “gosh! I love him/her” The kind of love that stimulates you mind, soul and body. Yup! It’s out there….
BUT love can sting! Yup unrequited love sucks! Oh what do I know about unrequited love you ask? OHMYGOSH! Let’s just say, “been there” LOL
Then there is the we –love- each –other- but -can’t- be- together -love! Darnit! Now this has all the feels I tell you. All the feels. More often than not it’s “bad timing”. One or both, just not ready …yup, not the “right time”… it happens.
My lesson on love is, no matter how badly you’ve been hurt, “have enough courage to trust love one more time and always one more time.” (Maya Angelou) THIS is no easy feat… I’m pretty sure I am not there yet (LOL) But damn if I am not gonna try 🙂
NOTE: Self-love is perhaps the single most important form of love because without it everything else is pretty much null and void – in a manner of speaking. This comes with its own sets of challenges BUT ahmm…that will need it’s own blog post!
Aiee yiee yiee! Boy meets girl (or vice versa), they fall in love, they might go to ‘counselling’ (depending on what you believe), they get married, they live in a house with white picket fencing, then comes baby in a carriage, they all live happily ever after….WRONG! Don’t get me wrong, marriage is awesome. Ever heard the expression, ‘there is nothing wrong with the world, it’s just the people in it?’ YUP! Same principle.
Marriage, like everything else in life, takes commitment, dedication and effort by not one, but two people. It’s as difficult or as easy as the two allow it to be. There is nothing like knowing that there is this one person who will always have your back and you theirs. This one person who gets you, someone with whom you are not afraid to share your deepest darkest secrets (if you have any), someone you can be as weak or as strong with. Who sees you in your most vulnerable state, who understands your nuisances like no other person. As a friend would say, ‘the one with whom you are not afraid to let your farts go free’ LOL!
Anywho, I merely speak from own experience.
My lessons on marriage:
- Make sure you are ready – mentally, emotionally, financially…ALL the “ally”
- Communicate. I didn’t say shout…talk it out and work it out.
- And as the old adage goes, let not the sun set with you in a provoked state
- Be true, honest, reasonable and just. Think about yourself but don’t be selfish.
- Be understanding. You don’t have to always agree but you must respect each other.
- Your sanity and happiness are important. Do what it takes to ensure you maintain them. Don’t get caught up in maintaining someone else’s happiness and neglect yours. YOU are important too. Don’t lose sight of that.
- Don’t simply throw in the towel when things get tough. Work at it. Give it your best, don’t be afraid to give it your all. In the end, it may not save it but don’t regret putting your best effort in it.
Ay Caramba! See this one right here… even for married people, I find sex is such a taboo subject and while I am described as “prudish” I find sex to be such a liberating (and enlightening) experience. Okay, so admittedly, I am a late bloomer BUT sex is downright AWESOMENESS (when done right) LOL!
I am so not the girl to talk to about causal sex, one-night stands, friends with benefits and such delights. As one of my male friend’s so often tell me “you are a vessel of emotions” #facepalm and most recently he’s changed to “you have too many feels” #doublefacepalm SO….ahmmm yeah….
So here is what I do know (lol):
- Sex in the shower is really not as ‘steamy’ as it looks in the movies! It’s awkward, cumbersome AND well…water…friction…yeah you get the picture. BUT as foreplay….GO FOR IT!
- Ever go to the beach and wonder why a couple so ‘coupled up’ alllllllll the way out in the ocean and just bopping with the waves? You should try it!….again, water…lubrication…uh huh
- Chocolate and syrup and all these fancy nice stuff…totally overrated. When everything gets mixed it gets sticky and icky…. but at least once I say 🙂
- Sex while in advance state of pregnancy is also awkward and weird IF and especially if the baby moves during #totalkilljoy eerie even! #faceplam
- Quickies are a reality but they can be FUN too 🙂
- When sex has the ‘feels’ on both sides – KABOOM!
- Be adventures…but sensible and practical. Nuh tek up when yuh cya manage 🙂
You NEED them! Trust and believe! People who tell you that they don’t need friends – lies! We all need friends. It’s how we survive. True, you don’t need a lot of friends but a solid small circle of friends and life is magic. I have lots of friends and acquaintances. My friends are defined and in categories – yes like most things in my life, I “organize” my friends *insert colour coded tabs *
There is nothing like good, solid friendships and some not so solid too. You have the tried and true friends – the lifetime ones. Those are usually the friends who are like family. Then you have the others – divide as you see fit. Like everything else, to have friends, you must be a friend.
You have to feed your friendships if you find that you are the only one feeding then that’s not friendship. I will tell you this much, there is nothing like good and supportive friends.
Good friends are priceless. When you find them, hold on to them.
Don’t neglect them. Even if you feel a little sheepish to admit you are related…yes yes, it happens. You got opportunities, they didn’t – a good education, you are exposed to some of the finer things in life BUT there is that second cousin by Uncle Somebody who didn’t get that opportunity BUT guess what? They will be the first one to hop on the country bus come town to “help you out”. Appreciate them.
You will fight and cuss till Crismuss morning when everybody ah fren again. The laughter, the teasing, your sibling’s ‘new boo’, somebody getting married, your cousin having a baby. The old folks who tell you the same stories over and over. Good times. Fun times. Cherish them.
Don’t miss the opportunities to tell and show your family that you love them. You never know when it’s the last time you will see them. Family will always be family and 99.9% of the time, they are the ones who will always have your back.
Family is family, and those are the ties that bind.
PARENTING & PARENTS
Oy vey! Your perspective on life shifts when you become a parent BUT first let’s talk our parents! My goodness! The nerve of them to set rules in their own house LOL To remind you that until you are paying the rent, you live by their rules.
They tell you they can’t wait for you to finish school and start working your own money and ‘come from under my roof’ then the time comes and you decide it’s time to leave. “Where are you going?’ Why don’t you stay and save? You are not paying rent… LIKE REALLY? But you said…. #makeupyourmindalready! BUT you gotta love and appreciate them. You had better because before you know it, you’ve become them! LOL or sadly, lose them.
As a mother, you have the unique privilege of building a bond with your child from the womb (so too the father) BUT for women the whole process is different. You carry the child inside you, you go through labour, it’s an awe-inspiring experience that not enough words are available to describe. That’s sorta the easy part.
Parenting is no walk in the park! There is no manual, every child is different, every experience is unique in its own right. You learn and grow with your child. You see the world through a different and fresher pair of eyes. You watch the human development sometimes in shock and awe!
Sometimes, you will find yourself just sitting and staring at your child in amazement and if you have a child as precocious as mine, who will say “Mommy, what?’ and you will say “Nothing” and he says “ but you are looking at me”….AND so it begins…. 🙂
Parenting is hard work (and humbling and rewarding and full of surprises)
Co-parenting?…I’ll get back to you on that one. Still learning and adjusting
As sure as death is, you are NEVER prepared for it. You think you are but nope, you are not. There is something about the finality of death…it stings like a bee.
The pain lessens over time but it never goes away. I don’t believe time ‘heals’. Time eases the pain and you learn how to the live with the loss.
My lesson on death: live your life to the fullest. Take nothing for granted. Tomorrow is not promised. Absolutely nothing in life is guaranteed.
“The reality is that you will grieve forever. You will not ‘get over’ the loss of a loved one; you will learn to live with it. You will heal and you will rebuild yourself around the loss you have suffered. You will be whole again, but you will never be the same. Nor should you be the same, nor would you want to.”
~ Elizabeth Kubler-Ross
ON RELIGION AND POLITICS
RESPECT…it’s as simple as that. Respect and accept that not everyone will share your views/opinions. That everyone is entitled to his/her opinion no matter how flawed. It’s their right even.
If you’ve known me long enough, you will know that I am a Jehovah’s Witness – all my life. A not so typical, semi-rebellious one 🙂 But what ALL my friends will attest to, is that I have NEVER forced my beliefs down their throats. Neither have I allowed my beliefs or lack thereof to determine and/or define my friendships. It really shouldn’t.
As for politics – well, I just don’t.
- You’re stronger than you think. I know that this is cliche but it never ceases to amaze me what we are capable of accomplishing once we put our minds to it and once we believe in ourselves
- Divorce is not the end of the world. You will survive even if it doesn’t feel like it.
- You’re never going to be able to please everyone. You’re not. It’s impossible.
- Worry about the things that you have the power to change. Everything else? Let it go. It takes up too much space emotionally and mentally (I am working on this) 🙂
- You can’t control everything. The sooner you realize this (and loosen your grip on your Type-A personality), the better. (Again, I am work in progress)
- Be kind. Speak truth. Live good with others. Be humble. Be humane
- Every once in awhile, splurge on something…anything that makes you truly happy.
- Take care of yourself – mentally, spiritually, emotionally and yes financially
- Alone time is where you find your peace and balance. Shut out the noise.
- Have actual conversations….get off Facebook, Instagram, other social media platforms every once in awhile. Get together with people you love and care about. Put the phone down! Try it!
- Get in the picture! Be present, be in the moment, and appreciate it for what it is.
- Laugh often even when sometimes it’s easier to cry. Stick with the friends who make you laugh even through your tears
- Forgive and let go. It’s the most liberating thing ever. It is true as they say, forgiveness is not about ‘them’ it’s about you
- One moment, one chapter, one season of your life isn’t enough to define your entire life…LIVE on.
Love. Laugh. Sing. Dance. Kiss. Dream. Play. Give. Smile. Cherish.
“She couldn’t go back and make the details pretty, she could only move forward and make the whole beautiful.” ~ Terri St. Cloud